Sad (Overexposed, 2012)

Ohh but I’m scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin-thin thread

I’m kicking the curb cuz you never heard words that you needed so bad

And I’m kicking the dirt cuz I never gave you the things that you needed to have

I’m so sad –Maroon 5, Sad. (Overexposed, 2012)

Hey! It’s me again. Hann. 

Instead of writing my feelings through my tweets, I think it’s better to write it down and post it on my blog. So, yes… been six months I guess? Hello and welcome. 

Well actually, I’m going to write about a sad reflection of what’s going on today.

This morning I got very shocking news that one of my friend (whom I never imagine) will leave Jogja at the end of the month which is . . . sad. 

What makes it even worst is that, I know she’s sad, but I can’t be the very the best friend for her to even make her feel better. I know how it feels to be like “I’m alone, I don’t have anyone who understands me.” And that feeling is just so f bad. It’s like the world is surrounded by the clouds and the sun won’t come up again. I really hope that she doesn’t feel that bad, and if she does, I hope she could cope with it and make peace with herself. 

Just so you know my dear, you always, always have friends even if you consider yourself, you don’t.

…

Isn’t that scary? To be friends with someone for years, and when life force both of you to face the bitter reality, somehow, the bond is…broken. You just don’t be friends anymore. I mean, you still can consider his/her your friend, but still the smile, the story, the comfort between both of you... fades away. 

I wish a relationship with anyone would not be this complicated. I wish it would never involve any feeling. Like the fact that I can’t stand other’s sadness is just devastating. Am I being too naïve if I want everybody to be happy?

You know what I want? 

I want to hug everybody who feels sad and say, “You don’t let yourself feeling that you’re alone. I know. Life is hard. Family, love, life, people’s expectation, sometimes they try to drag you down, but please hang on. You are strong! You can do this. I’m still doing it now too. I fight to hold on. I’m just like you. We’re the same.”

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A Poem Could Sum Up My Day

Maybe I’ll regret it once I read it again online, but I really need to write this down, so I can let this go. So I’m sorry if I’m being too emotional. I just want to let this thing go.

It’s coming back again. My anxiety. It tries to kill me again. Idk what happened. It blurts out of nowhere.

I don’t know that a man can be this sad till he wishes to die instead. The thing is, I don’t know what exactly that causing this sadness. All I know is that I’m sad like almost all the time, and I won’t eat and sleep properly, and I will have a very bad day.

I cried. It helps, a bit. However, I don’t know how to face it. I can’t figure it out. Feels like I’m drowning in this anxiety sea, which dragging me down to the very last basis.

I once force myself not to look at friend’s ig stories so I won’t get stressed. It helps. I felt better, and then I tried to open them again, and here I am finding me drowning in the flood can’t hold the stream. So I have to start it all again, pushing me not to open those toxic things. I even thinking not to use social media anymore cuz it really, really breaks me more when I already this broken.

You know what? To feel like you’re not good enough for anything like anything in this world, is the most terrible feeling ever. I really wish I could hold on to someone so I could hang on. I told myself every time to hang on, but I don’t know how and I end up letting myself to do this, drowning in sadness.

This poem could sum up what I’m feeling right now.

Aneurysm

I know now a monster

Which lives inside me maybe forever

Oh… or maybe it’s a lover

Who really knows me whatsoever

I just say hi to it

Trying to know each other well

It sticks to me like a knit

Not even planning a farewell

It calls it anxiety

However, Aneurysm I prefer to call

It says that it’s a buddy

But it gets bigger till I start to fall

Anxiety which kills me slowly

Aneurysm which is ready to pop entirely

Seems my soul was taken away

Feels I’m dead already

O, think I need a brain surgeon

No, it tells it needs only me

K, but still a doctor sounds urgent

Yes, that one should be me

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[A Poem]

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Why Kpop? Why Song Min Ho?

Hello! It’s been a while since I posted my latest writing about my melodramatic phase of selecting job. Now, I’m not gonna tell you about my sorrow life haha. It’s time for you to know who inspires me lately.

So, as you know a year ago, I began to fall in love with Korea again. Now, I think I love the Korean’s culture even more than 8 years ago. If Running Man opens the gate for me to the Korean’s variety show, then Bigbang opens the door for me to the Korean pop.

I am absolutely aware that not a lot of people are familiar with this culture. Of course, they know that Korea is hyping nowadays, but they don’t fully understand what this is. They just know a bunch of too good looking people dancing while singing. Also, the fact that most Korean did the plastic surgery is like the big thing for them to bring this wave down.

For me, they are more than just that.  

Yes, people. You may judge them anything you want, but please, at least learn how to respect human being. Somebody ever asked me while I was listening to kpop songs in a meeting room. He said, “Emang kamu ngerti artinya apa?” I just smiled. That person’s English skill does not even better than I am, and that person listens to western song a lot! So, is it wrong if I listen to Kpop even when I don’t know what they say? I don’t think so.

Well, I’m not going to ask you to like them too. I just want you to respect them as a human being too. You don’t have to like them if you don’t want to.

So, let me begin my story.

You know I love TOP Oppa so much. I just think that he is the most talented person I’ve ever seen! However, it changes after I know Mino Oppa. It does not mean that I stop liking Top though, but I just find another person whom I like.  His full name is Song Min Ho. He is also a rapper in his boyband, and he is funny, plus his drawing skill is amazing! However, he’s a bit… idk the word which could express it ….umm…not very smart at math and literature I guess… can we say it dumb? But, I like him still.

For those who see this Korean wave negatively, I think you need some more research before you judge them. Idk about other nation, but most people at my country consider them too good looking. Their face is not real because of the plastic surgery they had and their talent are also fake. Believe it or not, I used to think the same way. However, when I went to literature major, I was taught to be respectful to the world's differences. I began to understand that we are not living alone. We (our nation) are just a part of this world which has various cultures, people, and languages! That is the first lesson you need to understand.

The second one, you need to understand their culture first. You can’t judge them based on the culture that you live in because you both are living on different nation and that is the fact you can’t deny. In Korea, looks does matter. SM has done in a while ago by recruiting their idols in front of school and searching for those who have good looks! Right now, YG entertainment does it too! You can watch it at their newest survival program. They state it very clearly that they are looking for the look first and after that the talent. For us, it’s unusual and maybe unfair because people can’t take us for what we are, but them, it’s a different story. They need to live.

Also, it is not an instant phase for them to be an idol. They trained for years! If you wanna know what kind of training they had, just watch YG treasure ep 1. You’ll know how hard it is for them to survive in that industry. That is why, for someone like me who know how hard they struggle, it hurts me a lot when people say that all they can do just having a good looking face and the ability to dance while lip-syncing. It’s  really way more than that.

It is happened to Mino too. People may see him as a rapper on Winner, but before that title he had passed lots of struggle. He trained years to be a BlockB member, but I don’t know why, he backed up and debuted as a member of BoM. I just knew that he lived in an officetel while being a trainee for BlockB with P.O (NJTTW5 Trivia). If you guys know his song “Fear” you’d also know that his boyband BoM somewhat flopped and he was saved by YG (thank god YG saw his talent).  However, after signed with YG, he had to be on another survival. Most of you who love Mino would already know what the title of this program. They have to beat their junior which is very sad for me to watch. Until now, I never watch the last episode of WIN because I can’t stand them crying for each other. Really, it’s cruel :”

That is not the end of course. After his boyband win, two years later, one of them left. I was not there while it happened. I didn’t even know Bigbang late alone them that time. However, it must be hard for the fans who are with them from the start :” So yes, I am very mad if you tried to bring them down by your foolish statement.

I’m not saying all these idols are GOD that has to be worshipped! They are human just like we are. That’s why you need to respect them! They also can do something wrong, something that we don’t like. Nevertheless, it can’t be the reason of spreading so much hatred on them.

I just don’t understand with all of you who protest our way on supporting them like buying all the albums, merches, even stream their mv on youtube. We did it legally, with our own money. Isn’t it better than downloading it using idm and watch it over and over? Isn’t wrong for us to respect their works by buying their albums? They worked so hard for it, and we enjoy their works, then why do all of you need to fuss about it?

Please learn how to respect other’s culture, other’s work, and other’s differences. Just because you don’t like them, does not mean you could hate them. The world would be in the better place if we could do this and I know we could.

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Gumgummesso

This is written on 27 June 2018. However, I just have the willingness to post it right now.

Hello, oremaniya, which means, long time no see!

Yes. I am learning some Korean. Why? Yeah. Because I want to know what they say tak I mean, right when I listen to their music. It is never a waste of time to learn anew language, is it? Well, I know my English is not even an expert, but why do you have to be an expert at something to learn new things? I guess, if you want to do it, then do it. 

Anyway, that is not what I want to write about. Well, I want to write about my doubt about what I should do in the future.

As you see, I just graduated from my university about a month ago. Of course, I am so happy to be graduated as soon as I could, but I also don’t know what to do next. I mean, I know exactly what I want. I really do. However, society wants a different thing. My family would surely against my idea. I am in the middle of deciding which one is the best for me. 

This is my life. This is my time. I could do whatever I want to do. That is what my heart says. However, my head thinks the other way. I have my parents. I need to do anything to pay them back for whatever they have already given me. I cannot do just what I want to do. That is not right. What should I do?

Do you know what I want to do the most?

Writing.

However, I always think, if I choose this path, if I really do write to support myself, is it going to be easy? Is it the right thing?  You know Asian parents. They don’t expect you to be an artist (singer, writer, etc) that kind of job are underrated for them. They want you to be a civil servant who will get paid every month.

If I choose that path, will I survive? Will I able to support my parents too?

I can’t lie that I love music, books, and movies so much. It is not just a hobby. However, when I told them that I wanna write a scenario, I wanna create a very great drama than all of the other drama in the national tv, silence is all I get as the response. They don’t think it’s possible. They think that it is just a dream. Is it really just a dream?

And this is what annoys me the most. I just wonder why people ask the same thing every time I tell them about my dream. They will always say, “Then when will you get married? You have to think about your future children.” I can’t believe it! Is it really a sin to not have an interest to marry at my age? I just don’t have the time to think WHEN I WILL GET MARRIED WHEN I CAN’T EVEN TAKE CARE OF MY OWNSELF JUST RIGHT NOW!

Well, those are my worries. I know there are lots of questions I ask. Gumgummeso. By the way, I already know how to read and write Hangeul, but I can’t type it because it needs another app to type. That is why I use the Romanized version hehe. See you another time. Hope you do great even better than I am :)

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How I Began to Love Bigbang

I really want to write a story, but I don’t know what I want to write. I have a lot to tell, but the more I think about it. The more I don’t want to share because it would be cheesy stories outside.

                What should I write?

                What should I share with you?

                What if I write a story about me? Well, everything here is always about me. So……

                Recently, I fell for another genre of music, which is hip hop, and those who make me fell in love with that genre is the famous Korean boyband, Bigbang.

                I used to be very skeptical about kpop, or anything you call it, because they are dancing while they are singing and that makes me feel a bit strange, or may be too girly? Yeah, I think so. I did not know why I don’t like kpop back then. Well, I used to love it when I was in the 10^th grade, but then I met western, and I forget about Korea like everything about it, except, Boys Before Flowers and Full House.

                I already know Bigbang at my 9^th or 10^th grade, I forget when exactly I know that boyband. The first song I encountered is Bad Boy. It’s good. I like it, and then the next song is Fantastic Baby which is a freaking badass song, and after that “puff” gone away. I mean me and my interest to Korean Pop.

                However, a month ago, I began to watch running man (Well, I know I’m late) and I laughed so hard. The show is freaking funny. I don’t expect to see something as funny as running man. Then, once in the morning, I watched an episode of bigbang in it, and I started to watch their videos on YouTube, and just like that, I fell in love with them.

                Their music is so different. I mean, I never expect myself to like that kind of genre, especially with a lot of rap in it, I really can’t rap, but when TOP and G-Dragon did that, it’s awesome. I really hate a western song with something that featured with a rapper, because it stops me to sing their song, but with bigbang, I love the rap so much. I even want to learn Korean so that I can sing the song in the right pronunciation.

                As always, once I like something, I began to obsess with it. So, I read articles, watch videos, anything with bigbang in it. I began to know the members, their persona in front of the TV (whether it is real or not). At first, I like GD, because he is great. He sings, raps, dances very beautifully great! His fashion is also great, no kidding. But, then, I met you, TOP. I know, it’s like every V.I.P, I mean most of them, they take GD or TOP as their bias. So cliché. However, I like TOP, not because he is the tallest (I’m not tall anyway), not because he is handsome, but because of his voice and his persona. I like to say it persona, because I know him from what I watch, not what I learn or encounter. If I am his friend or anything that close to him, I’ll call it personality or characteristic, but I only watch what I see and make a judgment from it, so it won’t be fair to feel like I know him because the truth is I don’t. Back to the topic, I love T.O.P because he makes me like the rap part in a song. He makes the rap live like really helpful for the song. When he raps, it’s just good. I even like his rap song, Turn it Up and Doom Dada (You have to know that I hate Blessed by Kanye and his friends) I know I can’t sing it, but the song, keeps me on fire. Also, his persona, he acts very silly in front of the camera, so different from what I expected.

                You have to know that it is easy to find all about Korean artist in the internet. What they like, what they don’t like. Everything is an open source. It’s different from all those Hollywood stars that I love like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Andrew Garfield (especially him). Those variety shows, those questions, in Hollywood, it’s kind of rude to ask something private. So, it’s very hard to know what they like, what they always do, and so on, except if you’re a Kadarshian. However, in Korea, fans are very important for them, so they kind of make what is called by a fan service. It’s important not to make the fans mad. It’s very different from Hollywood, right? I mean, look at Justin Bieber, and Shia LaBeouf, and even Andrew Garfield. They don’t like to give up their privacy just for the fans. I respect it. I also don’t like it when people want to know everything about me, stalking me, ugh. The paparazzi in Hollywood is the worst. They ask offensive question, and it’s just disrespectful.

                In Korea, there are a lot of variety shows which allow you to know deeper (whether they tell the truth or not) about the stars. I like it. I watch so many variety shows about bigbang, and it’s so genuine. Feels very genuine I mean. As one of their fans, I feel very happy. I want all of the stars to know that sometimes, even their giggles already made their fans happy all day long. I’m not the type of those judgy fans. I don’t like to be judged, so I won’t do it to anyone. So, everything my idols done, I’ll support it as long as it makes them happy and healthy.

                Bigbang is having a hiatus right now. Taeyang and GD are having their solo (it ends by now), and Seungri is busy with his business, Daesung, well, I don’t know about him because he doesn’t have instagram or even twitter, and TOP, I wish he is well. I’m so sad that I began to like bigbang when they are facing their long hiatus. TOP should be on his military service, but his scandal… ugh I don’t want to talk about it. He stops posting on instagram which is sad for me. He just posted once on his instagram feed after that scandal, but then deleted it three minutes later. I hate it so much that I have to wait another three or maybe four years to see them together L In fact, I’m afraid that they’ll never get back together. It makes me think that I’m late. I’m so late.

I hope you are all okay, Oppa.

Don’t forget to come back.

T.O.P just so you know, you’re my sunshine, my only sunshine, so please don’t stop shining on those people who loves you. We love you. I, especially, love you.

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