Have
you ever run from something which makes you sad all the time? Have you ever
wanted something which is not destined for you to have? What if something that
you really want is the thing that makes you sad? What would you do?
Well,
me. I have that kind of experience. This story might break your heart, or mine
over and over. But I’d rather face it than living the dream.
***
“This is a joke, right?
He’s not coming here. It’s 5 already. Maybe I should go home, but… Well, I
think 10 more minutes.”
Ten minutes of torture began. Stupid
me! I tried to keep calm as I pretended that I did not do something in vain.
Besides, he always comes. That is a part of our promise. I looked at the sky to
distract my mind of him, but that only made me think more about him. I began to
bite my nails, feeling insecure. Then, I took a deep breath and counted to ten.
When I opened my eyes, “oh… I guess
he is busy.” I stood up, and looked back.
He smiled flawlessly near a tree. He
waved his hands. Just perfect like an angel. My heart sunk.
“You? How long you’ve been there?” I
asked a bit angrily to him.
“Ummm… 20 minutes ago I guess.” He
grinned and walked toward the bench.
“What? You make me wait for 20
minutes?”
He laughed and said, “It’s fun to see
you act like that.”
“I am not acting.” Then, I sat again
and made a duck face.
“Don’t be mad. Next time I won’t do
it. I promise. This is the first and the last.”
“I thought you won’t come.”
“No way! I never break a single
promise, and coming here is part of my promise. If I can’t come, I will tell
you.”
“I know.”
He smiled and said, “That’s my
Lissy! Little sister!” Then, stroke my hair.
That is right. Apparently, I will
always be his little sister. There is no chance for me to be anything better
than that. I am always going to wait, listen to nothing to say. Eyes and ears
are for him, but not the heart.
We have been friends for about three
years. Our friendship is very special since he is not only acting as my
friends, but also as my guardian angel. That is true. No exaggeration.
Our
first meeting was at high school. A girl (I’m not supposed to call her my
friend) and an (now) ex friend bullied me in front of other friends. She
accused me of saying something bad about her, and using my (now) ex friend to
sort of defend her. It was two against one, and I am still a junior back then.
I cried. That was really embarrassing. However, he came. He was a sophomore at
that time, so he was older than the girl and my (now) ex friend.
“I don’t know what is happening
here, but I now see a girl is crying, and I don’t like that.” he came from
behind of me and said that to them.
“It’s none of your business.” said
the girl.
“It is my business since there’s a
boy acting cowardly in the middle of you girls.”
“What did you say?” my (now) ex
friend said.
“I’ll make sure you’ll regret it if
you two mess with this girl again. Let’s go!” he grabbed my hand and pulled me
away from them. I looked at his tall body and his black short wavy hair. I am
sure that every girl will fall for what just happened with me. No kidding, he
is so, I don’t know the best word to say it, but he is the person God choose
for me to be my protector. A superhero? Yes, my superhero.
He smiled at me and that felt very
warm inside my heart. It felt like the butterflies in my stomach were moving
when he did that. I am sure that time my face was looking very bad, and my ugly
curly hair was not even tidy. I bet that was why he smiled.
From that time, we became good
friends to each other. I am obviously in love with him, but not for him. I
always get to watch his back with another girl. That is frustrating to be the
only one having this kind of feeling, but yeah, that is okay as long as he is
happy.
Okay, I admit. It is hard. It is a
very bullshit thing when you said that you will do everything for someone you
love as long as he/she is happy. It hurts so much till it is hard to even just
breathe properly. It feels like my heart is torn apart every time he posts
something with his girlfriend. But, what can I do? I can’t just go away, or
even confess my feeling. Both of the choices are killing me. It is fine to just
shut up and go on.
After he graduated, he promised to
see me once in every month every afternoon at the park near the school. My
favorite place. He had to move to Los Angeles to pursue his education in the
UCLA. Me? I am waiting and will always be at Phoenix, our hometown. It has been
six months, and he always keeps his promise. I know it will not last forever.
He will give up someday, and whether I am ready or not, that I wouldn’t know.
People said that it is hard to
maintain a long distance relationship, but for a long distance friendship… it
is not that hard. I mean, you don’t have to call your friend everyday right?
Well, he called me every week for 10-15 minutes. Mostly he talked about his day
and his girlfriend. They are having a real long distance relationship, and he always
complains about that. He said that it’s hard. Yeah it is.
“You look skinnier. Did you eat
well?” asked him breaking the silence between us.
“Uh? Do I look skinnier? I don’t
think so. I eat very well.” I lied.
“Don’t lie. What’s the matter with
you?”
“Nothing. Why did you ask that kind
of question?”
“You never eat well when you got
something that bothers your mind. It’s like your appetite disappear “puff” just
like that.” he made a disappearance gesture with his hands.
“Oh, really? I don’t realize that.”
I grinned.
“Hey..” he touched my chin and moved
it towards him and said, “Tell me!”
My heart skipped a beat. I tried not
to look directly into his eyes. “Should I tell him? Yes! It’s time! I have to
tell him.” I told myself to calm me down.
I looked away from him and took a
deep breath. After that, I stared at him and tried to spill a word, but my
tongue felt sort of bitterness. I cleared my throat and said, “Sean, I think
that it’s better for us not to see each other anymore.”
I saw his smile disappeared. “What?
What do you mean?”
“I think we should stop being
friends.”
“What are you saying? I don’t
understand. Why? Did I do something wrong?”
“Maybe we better off this way,
Sean.”
“Can you please tell me the reason
on why you act like this?” he began frustrated.
I looked at the blue sky and it
short of told me that my life was going to be that blue. However, I had to do
it. I could not be this stupid girl who wants a werewolf to imprint on her and
hoping that he will love her for the rest of her life. I do not even have the
right to just dream about it. I had to let him go.
“You and I, we look at the same sky
and breathe the same air, but you know what? I think it’s time for you to live
your live and I’ll live mine.” My tears dropped. I saw he opened his mouth to
ask me another question, but I stopped him and said, “Sean, from the first
moment I saw you, that day when you help me from the biggest embarrassment in
my life, my heart fall for you. Everything about you. Your smile, your voice, your
tall body, even your silly black wavy hair. They are all my favorite. But you
never felt the same way. And that hurts, Sean. It hurts so much, till it is
hard to just… to just think that I am sane. It becomes harder every day, and
that makes me not fine.”
“Elizabeth…I…”
“It’s not for you to decide what I
am going to do. Don’t even talk right now, because I am afraid that even your
voice might change my mind. So please, just hear what I say. Sean, I always
wonder why you won’t look at me. Why there’s always other woman. It makes me
think that I am not good enough. It makes me sad. So freaking sad. If only you
would know how sad I am every week when I heard your story about this other
woman, that other woman. I can’t do that anymore, Sean. I am done. It is better
off for us to stop being friends, because at the first place I can’t do it. I
can’t be your friend because I’m in love with you. Very madly deeply in love
with you.”
I stopped talking because I began to
cry very hard. Sean looked at me, but could not say any word. I guess he never
expect I would say that kind of thing to him. But then, he turned his back and
said, “Go on, cry at my shoulder.” I hugged him and began to cry as hard as I
could. “I am so stupid, Sean. I should not love you like this. I should not
have this kind of feeling. I should have known that you’re too good to come
true. Now, I have to let you go, and it makes me even sadder.”
He turned his back, hugged me, and
stroke my hair. “Are you done? Can I say something right now?”
“No.”
“Lizzy…”
“No, don’t say a thing. Don’t say
anything, Sean. It’ll make me worse.”
“Lizzy, I’ll do whatever makes you
happy. So, if going apart from me makes you happy, then I’ll do it. I am sorry
for making you feel this awful thing. I am very sorry. It was a very great time
to have you always listens to my story. You should know that it breaks my heart
too, Lizzy. But I can’t let you be sad like this just because of me. I am not
worth it. I know you don’t want to hear any word from me because whatever I say
will only make you sad. I am sorry. If you think that it’s better for us to
break, then it is. It’s not just you that have to let go of something. Me too.
I’ll let you go, Lizzy.” He hugged me tighter.
***
That
time, I knew that it’s over between us. Having him is a dream come true, but
the truth is, a dream will always be a dream. I can’t have something which is
too good to be true because that would be a fantasy. And a fantasy does not
exist in the real world. The best thing to do is to realize and live through
the reality. I am not running from something, but I am living the truth. The
fate I have to live. Not being with him.
***