A Poem Could Sum Up My Day

Maybe I’ll regret it once I read it again online, but I really need to write this down, so I can let this go. So I’m sorry if I’m being too emotional. I just want to let this thing go.

It’s coming back again. My anxiety. It tries to kill me again. Idk what happened. It blurts out of nowhere.

I don’t know that a man can be this sad till he wishes to die instead. The thing is, I don’t know what exactly that causing this sadness. All I know is that I’m sad like almost all the time, and I won’t eat and sleep properly, and I will have a very bad day.

I cried. It helps, a bit. However, I don’t know how to face it. I can’t figure it out. Feels like I’m drowning in this anxiety sea, which dragging me down to the very last basis.

I once force myself not to look at friend’s ig stories so I won’t get stressed. It helps. I felt better, and then I tried to open them again, and here I am finding me drowning in the flood can’t hold the stream. So I have to start it all again, pushing me not to open those toxic things. I even thinking not to use social media anymore cuz it really, really breaks me more when I already this broken.

You know what? To feel like you’re not good enough for anything like anything in this world, is the most terrible feeling ever. I really wish I could hold on to someone so I could hang on. I told myself every time to hang on, but I don’t know how and I end up letting myself to do this, drowning in sadness.

This poem could sum up what I’m feeling right now.

Aneurysm

I know now a monster

Which lives inside me maybe forever

Oh… or maybe it’s a lover

Who really knows me whatsoever

I just say hi to it

Trying to know each other well

It sticks to me like a knit

Not even planning a farewell

It calls it anxiety

However, Aneurysm I prefer to call

It says that it’s a buddy

But it gets bigger till I start to fall

Anxiety which kills me slowly

Aneurysm which is ready to pop entirely

Seems my soul was taken away

Feels I’m dead already

O, think I need a brain surgeon

No, it tells it needs only me

K, but still a doctor sounds urgent

Yes, that one should be me

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[A Poem]

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Why Kpop? Why Song Min Ho?

Hello! It’s been a while since I posted my latest writing about my melodramatic phase of selecting job. Now, I’m not gonna tell you about my sorrow life haha. It’s time for you to know who inspires me lately.

So, as you know a year ago, I began to fall in love with Korea again. Now, I think I love the Korean’s culture even more than 8 years ago. If Running Man opens the gate for me to the Korean’s variety show, then Bigbang opens the door for me to the Korean pop.

I am absolutely aware that not a lot of people are familiar with this culture. Of course, they know that Korea is hyping nowadays, but they don’t fully understand what this is. They just know a bunch of too good looking people dancing while singing. Also, the fact that most Korean did the plastic surgery is like the big thing for them to bring this wave down.

For me, they are more than just that.  

Yes, people. You may judge them anything you want, but please, at least learn how to respect human being. Somebody ever asked me while I was listening to kpop songs in a meeting room. He said, “Emang kamu ngerti artinya apa?” I just smiled. That person’s English skill does not even better than I am, and that person listens to western song a lot! So, is it wrong if I listen to Kpop even when I don’t know what they say? I don’t think so.

Well, I’m not going to ask you to like them too. I just want you to respect them as a human being too. You don’t have to like them if you don’t want to.

So, let me begin my story.

You know I love TOP Oppa so much. I just think that he is the most talented person I’ve ever seen! However, it changes after I know Mino Oppa. It does not mean that I stop liking Top though, but I just find another person whom I like.  His full name is Song Min Ho. He is also a rapper in his boyband, and he is funny, plus his drawing skill is amazing! However, he’s a bit… idk the word which could express it ….umm…not very smart at math and literature I guess… can we say it dumb? But, I like him still.

For those who see this Korean wave negatively, I think you need some more research before you judge them. Idk about other nation, but most people at my country consider them too good looking. Their face is not real because of the plastic surgery they had and their talent are also fake. Believe it or not, I used to think the same way. However, when I went to literature major, I was taught to be respectful to the world's differences. I began to understand that we are not living alone. We (our nation) are just a part of this world which has various cultures, people, and languages! That is the first lesson you need to understand.

The second one, you need to understand their culture first. You can’t judge them based on the culture that you live in because you both are living on different nation and that is the fact you can’t deny. In Korea, looks does matter. SM has done in a while ago by recruiting their idols in front of school and searching for those who have good looks! Right now, YG entertainment does it too! You can watch it at their newest survival program. They state it very clearly that they are looking for the look first and after that the talent. For us, it’s unusual and maybe unfair because people can’t take us for what we are, but them, it’s a different story. They need to live.

Also, it is not an instant phase for them to be an idol. They trained for years! If you wanna know what kind of training they had, just watch YG treasure ep 1. You’ll know how hard it is for them to survive in that industry. That is why, for someone like me who know how hard they struggle, it hurts me a lot when people say that all they can do just having a good looking face and the ability to dance while lip-syncing. It’s  really way more than that.

It is happened to Mino too. People may see him as a rapper on Winner, but before that title he had passed lots of struggle. He trained years to be a BlockB member, but I don’t know why, he backed up and debuted as a member of BoM. I just knew that he lived in an officetel while being a trainee for BlockB with P.O (NJTTW5 Trivia). If you guys know his song “Fear” you’d also know that his boyband BoM somewhat flopped and he was saved by YG (thank god YG saw his talent).  However, after signed with YG, he had to be on another survival. Most of you who love Mino would already know what the title of this program. They have to beat their junior which is very sad for me to watch. Until now, I never watch the last episode of WIN because I can’t stand them crying for each other. Really, it’s cruel :”

That is not the end of course. After his boyband win, two years later, one of them left. I was not there while it happened. I didn’t even know Bigbang late alone them that time. However, it must be hard for the fans who are with them from the start :” So yes, I am very mad if you tried to bring them down by your foolish statement.

I’m not saying all these idols are GOD that has to be worshipped! They are human just like we are. That’s why you need to respect them! They also can do something wrong, something that we don’t like. Nevertheless, it can’t be the reason of spreading so much hatred on them.

I just don’t understand with all of you who protest our way on supporting them like buying all the albums, merches, even stream their mv on youtube. We did it legally, with our own money. Isn’t it better than downloading it using idm and watch it over and over? Isn’t wrong for us to respect their works by buying their albums? They worked so hard for it, and we enjoy their works, then why do all of you need to fuss about it?

Please learn how to respect other’s culture, other’s work, and other’s differences. Just because you don’t like them, does not mean you could hate them. The world would be in the better place if we could do this and I know we could.

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Gumgummesso

This is written on 27 June 2018. However, I just have the willingness to post it right now.

Hello, oremaniya, which means, long time no see!

Yes. I am learning some Korean. Why? Yeah. Because I want to know what they say tak I mean, right when I listen to their music. It is never a waste of time to learn anew language, is it? Well, I know my English is not even an expert, but why do you have to be an expert at something to learn new things? I guess, if you want to do it, then do it. 

Anyway, that is not what I want to write about. Well, I want to write about my doubt about what I should do in the future.

As you see, I just graduated from my university about a month ago. Of course, I am so happy to be graduated as soon as I could, but I also don’t know what to do next. I mean, I know exactly what I want. I really do. However, society wants a different thing. My family would surely against my idea. I am in the middle of deciding which one is the best for me. 

This is my life. This is my time. I could do whatever I want to do. That is what my heart says. However, my head thinks the other way. I have my parents. I need to do anything to pay them back for whatever they have already given me. I cannot do just what I want to do. That is not right. What should I do?

Do you know what I want to do the most?

Writing.

However, I always think, if I choose this path, if I really do write to support myself, is it going to be easy? Is it the right thing?  You know Asian parents. They don’t expect you to be an artist (singer, writer, etc) that kind of job are underrated for them. They want you to be a civil servant who will get paid every month.

If I choose that path, will I survive? Will I able to support my parents too?

I can’t lie that I love music, books, and movies so much. It is not just a hobby. However, when I told them that I wanna write a scenario, I wanna create a very great drama than all of the other drama in the national tv, silence is all I get as the response. They don’t think it’s possible. They think that it is just a dream. Is it really just a dream?

And this is what annoys me the most. I just wonder why people ask the same thing every time I tell them about my dream. They will always say, “Then when will you get married? You have to think about your future children.” I can’t believe it! Is it really a sin to not have an interest to marry at my age? I just don’t have the time to think WHEN I WILL GET MARRIED WHEN I CAN’T EVEN TAKE CARE OF MY OWNSELF JUST RIGHT NOW!

Well, those are my worries. I know there are lots of questions I ask. Gumgummeso. By the way, I already know how to read and write Hangeul, but I can’t type it because it needs another app to type. That is why I use the Romanized version hehe. See you another time. Hope you do great even better than I am :)

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How I Began to Love Bigbang

I really want to write a story, but I don’t know what I want to write. I have a lot to tell, but the more I think about it. The more I don’t want to share because it would be cheesy stories outside.

                What should I write?

                What should I share with you?

                What if I write a story about me? Well, everything here is always about me. So……

                Recently, I fell for another genre of music, which is hip hop, and those who make me fell in love with that genre is the famous Korean boyband, Bigbang.

                I used to be very skeptical about kpop, or anything you call it, because they are dancing while they are singing and that makes me feel a bit strange, or may be too girly? Yeah, I think so. I did not know why I don’t like kpop back then. Well, I used to love it when I was in the 10^th grade, but then I met western, and I forget about Korea like everything about it, except, Boys Before Flowers and Full House.

                I already know Bigbang at my 9^th or 10^th grade, I forget when exactly I know that boyband. The first song I encountered is Bad Boy. It’s good. I like it, and then the next song is Fantastic Baby which is a freaking badass song, and after that “puff” gone away. I mean me and my interest to Korean Pop.

                However, a month ago, I began to watch running man (Well, I know I’m late) and I laughed so hard. The show is freaking funny. I don’t expect to see something as funny as running man. Then, once in the morning, I watched an episode of bigbang in it, and I started to watch their videos on YouTube, and just like that, I fell in love with them.

                Their music is so different. I mean, I never expect myself to like that kind of genre, especially with a lot of rap in it, I really can’t rap, but when TOP and G-Dragon did that, it’s awesome. I really hate a western song with something that featured with a rapper, because it stops me to sing their song, but with bigbang, I love the rap so much. I even want to learn Korean so that I can sing the song in the right pronunciation.

                As always, once I like something, I began to obsess with it. So, I read articles, watch videos, anything with bigbang in it. I began to know the members, their persona in front of the TV (whether it is real or not). At first, I like GD, because he is great. He sings, raps, dances very beautifully great! His fashion is also great, no kidding. But, then, I met you, TOP. I know, it’s like every V.I.P, I mean most of them, they take GD or TOP as their bias. So cliché. However, I like TOP, not because he is the tallest (I’m not tall anyway), not because he is handsome, but because of his voice and his persona. I like to say it persona, because I know him from what I watch, not what I learn or encounter. If I am his friend or anything that close to him, I’ll call it personality or characteristic, but I only watch what I see and make a judgment from it, so it won’t be fair to feel like I know him because the truth is I don’t. Back to the topic, I love T.O.P because he makes me like the rap part in a song. He makes the rap live like really helpful for the song. When he raps, it’s just good. I even like his rap song, Turn it Up and Doom Dada (You have to know that I hate Blessed by Kanye and his friends) I know I can’t sing it, but the song, keeps me on fire. Also, his persona, he acts very silly in front of the camera, so different from what I expected.

                You have to know that it is easy to find all about Korean artist in the internet. What they like, what they don’t like. Everything is an open source. It’s different from all those Hollywood stars that I love like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Andrew Garfield (especially him). Those variety shows, those questions, in Hollywood, it’s kind of rude to ask something private. So, it’s very hard to know what they like, what they always do, and so on, except if you’re a Kadarshian. However, in Korea, fans are very important for them, so they kind of make what is called by a fan service. It’s important not to make the fans mad. It’s very different from Hollywood, right? I mean, look at Justin Bieber, and Shia LaBeouf, and even Andrew Garfield. They don’t like to give up their privacy just for the fans. I respect it. I also don’t like it when people want to know everything about me, stalking me, ugh. The paparazzi in Hollywood is the worst. They ask offensive question, and it’s just disrespectful.

                In Korea, there are a lot of variety shows which allow you to know deeper (whether they tell the truth or not) about the stars. I like it. I watch so many variety shows about bigbang, and it’s so genuine. Feels very genuine I mean. As one of their fans, I feel very happy. I want all of the stars to know that sometimes, even their giggles already made their fans happy all day long. I’m not the type of those judgy fans. I don’t like to be judged, so I won’t do it to anyone. So, everything my idols done, I’ll support it as long as it makes them happy and healthy.

                Bigbang is having a hiatus right now. Taeyang and GD are having their solo (it ends by now), and Seungri is busy with his business, Daesung, well, I don’t know about him because he doesn’t have instagram or even twitter, and TOP, I wish he is well. I’m so sad that I began to like bigbang when they are facing their long hiatus. TOP should be on his military service, but his scandal… ugh I don’t want to talk about it. He stops posting on instagram which is sad for me. He just posted once on his instagram feed after that scandal, but then deleted it three minutes later. I hate it so much that I have to wait another three or maybe four years to see them together L In fact, I’m afraid that they’ll never get back together. It makes me think that I’m late. I’m so late.

I hope you are all okay, Oppa.

Don’t forget to come back.

T.O.P just so you know, you’re my sunshine, my only sunshine, so please don’t stop shining on those people who loves you. We love you. I, especially, love you.

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[a poem] Unreachable

Do you know what you mean to me?

You are like the sun for me

Every time when I see the sun, I feel so happy

Even the light makes my mood up by fast


It’s the same like what your gorgeous face do to me

And how your voice make feel me

It suns my life and make me stop being grumpy

I wish you know how much I want it to last


However, just like the sun, you’re unreachable

Just like the sun, you’re impossible

You’re the one, just like the sun

And just like the sun, I’ll never want it to be done

 

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Better That We Break

Have you ever run from something which makes you sad all the time? Have you ever wanted something which is not destined for you to have? What if something that you really want is the thing that makes you sad? What would you do?

Well, me. I have that kind of experience. This story might break your heart, or mine over and over. But I’d rather face it than living the dream.

***

“This is a joke, right? He’s not coming here. It’s 5 already. Maybe I should go home, but… Well, I think 10 more minutes.”

            Ten minutes of torture began. Stupid me! I tried to keep calm as I pretended that I did not do something in vain. Besides, he always comes. That is a part of our promise. I looked at the sky to distract my mind of him, but that only made me think more about him. I began to bite my nails, feeling insecure. Then, I took a deep breath and counted to ten.

            When I opened my eyes, “oh… I guess he is busy.” I stood up, and looked back.

            He smiled flawlessly near a tree. He waved his hands. Just perfect like an angel. My heart sunk.

            “You? How long you’ve been there?” I asked a bit angrily to him.

            “Ummm… 20 minutes ago I guess.” He grinned and walked toward the bench.

            “What? You make me wait for 20 minutes?”

            He laughed and said, “It’s fun to see you act like that.”

            “I am not acting.” Then, I sat again and made a duck face.

            “Don’t be mad. Next time I won’t do it. I promise. This is the first and the last.”

            “I thought you won’t come.”

            “No way! I never break a single promise, and coming here is part of my promise. If I can’t come, I will tell you.”

            “I know.”

            He smiled and said, “That’s my Lissy! Little sister!” Then, stroke my hair.

            That is right. Apparently, I will always be his little sister. There is no chance for me to be anything better than that. I am always going to wait, listen to nothing to say. Eyes and ears are for him, but not the heart.

            We have been friends for about three years. Our friendship is very special since he is not only acting as my friends, but also as my guardian angel. That is true. No exaggeration.

Our first meeting was at high school. A girl (I’m not supposed to call her my friend) and an (now) ex friend bullied me in front of other friends. She accused me of saying something bad about her, and using my (now) ex friend to sort of defend her. It was two against one, and I am still a junior back then. I cried. That was really embarrassing. However, he came. He was a sophomore at that time, so he was older than the girl and my (now) ex friend.

            “I don’t know what is happening here, but I now see a girl is crying, and I don’t like that.” he came from behind of me and said that to them.

            “It’s none of your business.” said the girl.

            “It is my business since there’s a boy acting cowardly in the middle of you girls.”

            “What did you say?” my (now) ex friend said.

            “I’ll make sure you’ll regret it if you two mess with this girl again. Let’s go!” he grabbed my hand and pulled me away from them. I looked at his tall body and his black short wavy hair. I am sure that every girl will fall for what just happened with me. No kidding, he is so, I don’t know the best word to say it, but he is the person God choose for me to be my protector. A superhero? Yes, my superhero.

            He smiled at me and that felt very warm inside my heart. It felt like the butterflies in my stomach were moving when he did that. I am sure that time my face was looking very bad, and my ugly curly hair was not even tidy. I bet that was why he smiled.

            From that time, we became good friends to each other. I am obviously in love with him, but not for him. I always get to watch his back with another girl. That is frustrating to be the only one having this kind of feeling, but yeah, that is okay as long as he is happy.

            Okay, I admit. It is hard. It is a very bullshit thing when you said that you will do everything for someone you love as long as he/she is happy. It hurts so much till it is hard to even just breathe properly. It feels like my heart is torn apart every time he posts something with his girlfriend. But, what can I do? I can’t just go away, or even confess my feeling. Both of the choices are killing me. It is fine to just shut up and go on.

            After he graduated, he promised to see me once in every month every afternoon at the park near the school. My favorite place. He had to move to Los Angeles to pursue his education in the UCLA. Me? I am waiting and will always be at Phoenix, our hometown. It has been six months, and he always keeps his promise. I know it will not last forever. He will give up someday, and whether I am ready or not, that I wouldn’t know.

            People said that it is hard to maintain a long distance relationship, but for a long distance friendship… it is not that hard. I mean, you don’t have to call your friend everyday right? Well, he called me every week for 10-15 minutes. Mostly he talked about his day and his girlfriend. They are having a real long distance relationship, and he always complains about that. He said that it’s hard. Yeah it is.

            “You look skinnier. Did you eat well?” asked him breaking the silence between us.

            “Uh? Do I look skinnier? I don’t think so. I eat very well.” I lied.

            “Don’t lie. What’s the matter with you?”

            “Nothing. Why did you ask that kind of question?”

            “You never eat well when you got something that bothers your mind. It’s like your appetite disappear “puff” just like that.” he made a disappearance gesture with his hands.

            “Oh, really? I don’t realize that.” I grinned.

            “Hey..” he touched my chin and moved it towards him and said, “Tell me!”

            My heart skipped a beat. I tried not to look directly into his eyes. “Should I tell him? Yes! It’s time! I have to tell him.” I told myself to calm me down.

            I looked away from him and took a deep breath. After that, I stared at him and tried to spill a word, but my tongue felt sort of bitterness. I cleared my throat and said, “Sean, I think that it’s better for us not to see each other anymore.”

            I saw his smile disappeared. “What? What do you mean?”

            “I think we should stop being friends.”

            “What are you saying? I don’t understand. Why? Did I do something wrong?”

            “Maybe we better off this way, Sean.”

            “Can you please tell me the reason on why you act like this?” he began frustrated.

            I looked at the blue sky and it short of told me that my life was going to be that blue. However, I had to do it. I could not be this stupid girl who wants a werewolf to imprint on her and hoping that he will love her for the rest of her life. I do not even have the right to just dream about it. I had to let him go.

            “You and I, we look at the same sky and breathe the same air, but you know what? I think it’s time for you to live your live and I’ll live mine.” My tears dropped. I saw he opened his mouth to ask me another question, but I stopped him and said, “Sean, from the first moment I saw you, that day when you help me from the biggest embarrassment in my life, my heart fall for you. Everything about you. Your smile, your voice, your tall body, even your silly black wavy hair. They are all my favorite. But you never felt the same way. And that hurts, Sean. It hurts so much, till it is hard to just… to just think that I am sane. It becomes harder every day, and that makes me not fine.”

            “Elizabeth…I…”

            “It’s not for you to decide what I am going to do. Don’t even talk right now, because I am afraid that even your voice might change my mind. So please, just hear what I say. Sean, I always wonder why you won’t look at me. Why there’s always other woman. It makes me think that I am not good enough. It makes me sad. So freaking sad. If only you would know how sad I am every week when I heard your story about this other woman, that other woman. I can’t do that anymore, Sean. I am done. It is better off for us to stop being friends, because at the first place I can’t do it. I can’t be your friend because I’m in love with you. Very madly deeply in love with you.”

            I stopped talking because I began to cry very hard. Sean looked at me, but could not say any word. I guess he never expect I would say that kind of thing to him. But then, he turned his back and said, “Go on, cry at my shoulder.” I hugged him and began to cry as hard as I could. “I am so stupid, Sean. I should not love you like this. I should not have this kind of feeling. I should have known that you’re too good to come true. Now, I have to let you go, and it makes me even sadder.”

            He turned his back, hugged me, and stroke my hair. “Are you done? Can I say something right now?”

            “No.”

            “Lizzy…”

            “No, don’t say a thing. Don’t say anything, Sean. It’ll make me worse.”

            “Lizzy, I’ll do whatever makes you happy. So, if going apart from me makes you happy, then I’ll do it. I am sorry for making you feel this awful thing. I am very sorry. It was a very great time to have you always listens to my story. You should know that it breaks my heart too, Lizzy. But I can’t let you be sad like this just because of me. I am not worth it. I know you don’t want to hear any word from me because whatever I say will only make you sad. I am sorry. If you think that it’s better for us to break, then it is. It’s not just you that have to let go of something. Me too. I’ll let you go, Lizzy.” He hugged me tighter.

***

That time, I knew that it’s over between us. Having him is a dream come true, but the truth is, a dream will always be a dream. I can’t have something which is too good to be true because that would be a fantasy. And a fantasy does not exist in the real world. The best thing to do is to realize and live through the reality. I am not running from something, but I am living the truth. The fate I have to live. Not being with him.

***

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