Turning 24

Hey it’s me again. Finally I have something to talk about. I’m so happy cuz I get to write in English. It’s been a while since I wrote about my feelings and I really want to share these thoughts so I can let it go. Before I start, I want to apologize for grammatical mistakes ahead. You’ll find so many mistakes especially if you’re a grammar nazi. So, without further ado, let’s begin!

Anyway, last month I turned 24! Not exactly last month anyway, but yeah I am almost 25 years old! Speaking about almost 25 years old, before I turned 24, I forgot when it was, my father asked me how old I am (yeah he didn’t know), and I told him that I’m almost 24 years old. You know what he said after that? He said, “You need to get married at 25 years old.” I went speechless. 

That time, I really wanted to debate him, but I couldn’t cuz we have different values, and talking about it would be pointless. He asked me to pray to Allah, so a very good man would come into my life and marry me. What a life! 

Almost everybody in my family asks me to be married to someone before I get 25.Even my sister in law once told me that getting married after 25 yo sucks. And I’m like… is it true? For me, I wanna get married not because people think I should, not because I’m old enough to, but because I’m ready. When you’re married, it’s not just about you anymore, it’s also about your partner and his/her family, and if you’re not ready, then why in the hell you want to have that commitment just because people think you should?

Furthermore, I’m not the type of someone who’s married just because of sexual needs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my friends who get to meet their love of their life before they get 25yo, but it doesn’t mean that me, or others are wrong when they don’t do the same things, right?

Honestly, I really think I’m not ready yet. People say that getting married is “enak”. However, I’m very skeptical about it. Wang sinawang gak sih? (What are you afraid of Hann?) Well, I’m afraid that I’ll choose the wrong person. Someone who’ll make my whole life miserable. Truthfully, I’m very happy with my life right now, and I don’t want to ruin it with another complicated problem. Yeah, you can say something like “ya itu karena lo belom nikah aja jadi lo belom ngerasain enaknya” it’s a fair thing to say. It’s alright you can say that, I won’t judge it anyway. I’m just preparing for the worst case scenario. What would I do if life does not always give me beautiful things everyday when I’m married? I wanna be ready.

I found something on twitter about marriage life. I will try to give you the summary. According to Maya Septha (a celebrity in Indonesia), when you are married, it’s kinda like having long life problems. So when you’re married, please make sure you know what kind of man you choose, and please make sure you can bear with his character your whole life. If he has a bad character, please be aware that it won't get better just because the two of you married. Remember, you’re choosing your future problems, so be wise about it. BOOM!

And I’m like “She’s right man!” 

Why would I want to push myself just because my parents want me to do it? I’ve been doing what they say all this time, and I need to do it one more time just because they are my parents? Well, this is my life. They do have the part of making me into this world, and I respect that, but the one who’ll live with the marriage is me, so yeah, I won’t get married just because I’m 25 years old. 

If I get to be married when I’m 25 years old, I wanna be ready. Not just me, but the two of us. We need to know that life will get harder, and if it does, we will fight it together. I need to know that it’s not just about me or him, but it’s about us. Being together no matter how bad it goes. 

Hope I won’t make a mistake in choosing the love of my life! And I hope you too! Thank you for reading!

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Happiness doesn't have to be near by you

This thing is gonna have a lot of grammatical errors, well f that. Because I ain’t perfect and you do. 

I wanna tell you a story about a very much good friend of mine. Not that I want to specialize my best friend, but this one I want to tell you about is the most up and down friendship I’ve ever had. I almost lost her as my friend, but we managed to put the past in the past, and got back together. 

We met five years ago. She’s my classmate at college, and after that we became a housemate for almost 3 years. The eight of us (including me and her) are in the same circle from the beginning of our college. Four girls and four boys.  I have to admit that the friendship we had is the most real relationship I’ve ever had. We judge, mock, laugh with each other. Although, there’s no such thing as perfection, we manage to tolerate each other and I thank God for our ability to do that, especially me. 

She is my friend. My dear best friend. We fought and we made up and fought again. I really, really grew up because of her. When I looked back right now, there are so many memories I want to write here so that I won’t forget everything we had. I will always remember the fact that she is always there when I’m sick because I’m such a fussy when I get sick and I know that really well. Or, when we were fed up with our organization, and decided to ride at night didn’t know where to go. Or, when we watched movie together and talk about the plot, cinematography, acting, etc. Or, when we just talk about a bitch messing with our life. I will never ever forget that. 

I don’t know that these five years I’ve been blessed so much. To meet her and my circle, to be able to learn from them. To get the place I would run to when I can’t deal with home. Really, God, thank you for letting me having the friends that will always so very kind to me. 

I’m very aware that I’m not the perfect friend. I do make mistakes. We fought for so long till I wished to go away from her, but I couldn’t because I couldn’t bear to lose another friend. I won’t let that.

Until one day, I graduated, and most of us graduated and have to face reality that we can’t always be together talking bullshit about politics, philosophy, and movies anymore. We have to face reality which is a very sad thing because I have to face that feeling again. The feeling when people left you. 

You know how much I really want to go back there? The eight of us sitting at Tedjo editing movies or playing UNO. Or the two of us in that house just talk, talk, until we get tired. 

Maybe you guys still wondering why I write this. This is because, she is gonna leave Jogja tomorrow doesn’t know whether will come back or not. Which means that I would be alone because Naras has left Jogja too.. and.. I’m afraid.

I’m not being over dramatic. Aku pernah ditinggal sahabat baikku dengan cara baik-baik emang, tapi yang jelas ketika kita ketemu, rasanya udah beda, dan aku enggak mau kaya gitu keulang lagi. 

Mungkin aku lebay cuma ditinggal temen aja sampe kaya gini. Tapi bagiku kalian bukan cuma temen. Yang ada waktu aku lagi ada masalah ya kalian. Yang ngurusin aku waktu sakit dan kecelakaan ya kalian. Yang nasihatin aku soal family ya kalian. Terutama kamu. 

Terus besok aku kalo mau makan ngajak siapa lagi? Tahu sendiri kan aku kalo makan ya sama kalian. Coba inget-inget, mana pernah aku makan bareng sama yang lain kalo ngga sama kalian?

  

Yang tahu aku kayak gimana, yang bisa mentoleransi aku seperti apapun itu, ya kalian. Ya kamu.

Aku nggak pernah di posisi yang ninggalin. Aku selalu di posisi yang ditinggalin. Kayanya dosa aku banyak deh makanya I always end up like this. Apa aku pernah jahat ya sama seseorang? Aku pingin jadi baik. Aku lagi belajar.

Aku sedih –sesedihnya waktu temenku ini tiba-tiba bilang ngga mau di Jogja lagi. Aku pikir aku bakal masih punya temen at least the one I could talk to who really knows who I am, what kind of situation I have, what kind of family I have, tapi ternyata… manusia punya masalahnya masing-masing.

Aku sedih sih karena aku yang selalu hold on sama mereka sehingga ketika mereka pergi satu-satu aku ngga tau mau pegangan sama apa lagi. 

I’m so sad. 

Sorry reader for being so lebay over this thing. Some of you will understand, some of you won’t, and I get that. I WISH THE VERY BEST FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDS! If someday I have a chance to write about you guys, I would. Especially you, I learnt a lot from you. Really. Thank you for being my friend. Just so thank you for being there when I need you the most. You are a good man. You deserve the best. I really, really wish our relationship wouldn’t end like this. However, I respect your choice and I get that sometimes happiness doesn’t have to be nearby you.

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Sad (Overexposed, 2012)

Ohh but I’m scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin-thin thread

I’m kicking the curb cuz you never heard words that you needed so bad

And I’m kicking the dirt cuz I never gave you the things that you needed to have

I’m so sad –Maroon 5, Sad. (Overexposed, 2012)

Hey! It’s me again. Hann. 

Instead of writing my feelings through my tweets, I think it’s better to write it down and post it on my blog. So, yes… been six months I guess? Hello and welcome. 

Well actually, I’m going to write about a sad reflection of what’s going on today.

This morning I got very shocking news that one of my friend (whom I never imagine) will leave Jogja at the end of the month which is . . . sad. 

What makes it even worst is that, I know she’s sad, but I can’t be the very the best friend for her to even make her feel better. I know how it feels to be like “I’m alone, I don’t have anyone who understands me.” And that feeling is just so f bad. It’s like the world is surrounded by the clouds and the sun won’t come up again. I really hope that she doesn’t feel that bad, and if she does, I hope she could cope with it and make peace with herself. 

Just so you know my dear, you always, always have friends even if you consider yourself, you don’t.

…

Isn’t that scary? To be friends with someone for years, and when life force both of you to face the bitter reality, somehow, the bond is…broken. You just don’t be friends anymore. I mean, you still can consider his/her your friend, but still the smile, the story, the comfort between both of you... fades away. 

I wish a relationship with anyone would not be this complicated. I wish it would never involve any feeling. Like the fact that I can’t stand other’s sadness is just devastating. Am I being too naïve if I want everybody to be happy?

You know what I want? 

I want to hug everybody who feels sad and say, “You don’t let yourself feeling that you’re alone. I know. Life is hard. Family, love, life, people’s expectation, sometimes they try to drag you down, but please hang on. You are strong! You can do this. I’m still doing it now too. I fight to hold on. I’m just like you. We’re the same.”

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A Poem Could Sum Up My Day

Maybe I’ll regret it once I read it again online, but I really need to write this down, so I can let this go. So I’m sorry if I’m being too emotional. I just want to let this thing go.

It’s coming back again. My anxiety. It tries to kill me again. Idk what happened. It blurts out of nowhere.

I don’t know that a man can be this sad till he wishes to die instead. The thing is, I don’t know what exactly that causing this sadness. All I know is that I’m sad like almost all the time, and I won’t eat and sleep properly, and I will have a very bad day.

I cried. It helps, a bit. However, I don’t know how to face it. I can’t figure it out. Feels like I’m drowning in this anxiety sea, which dragging me down to the very last basis.

I once force myself not to look at friend’s ig stories so I won’t get stressed. It helps. I felt better, and then I tried to open them again, and here I am finding me drowning in the flood can’t hold the stream. So I have to start it all again, pushing me not to open those toxic things. I even thinking not to use social media anymore cuz it really, really breaks me more when I already this broken.

You know what? To feel like you’re not good enough for anything like anything in this world, is the most terrible feeling ever. I really wish I could hold on to someone so I could hang on. I told myself every time to hang on, but I don’t know how and I end up letting myself to do this, drowning in sadness.

This poem could sum up what I’m feeling right now.

Aneurysm

I know now a monster

Which lives inside me maybe forever

Oh… or maybe it’s a lover

Who really knows me whatsoever

I just say hi to it

Trying to know each other well

It sticks to me like a knit

Not even planning a farewell

It calls it anxiety

However, Aneurysm I prefer to call

It says that it’s a buddy

But it gets bigger till I start to fall

Anxiety which kills me slowly

Aneurysm which is ready to pop entirely

Seems my soul was taken away

Feels I’m dead already

O, think I need a brain surgeon

No, it tells it needs only me

K, but still a doctor sounds urgent

Yes, that one should be me

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[A Poem]

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Why Kpop? Why Song Min Ho?

Hello! It’s been a while since I posted my latest writing about my melodramatic phase of selecting job. Now, I’m not gonna tell you about my sorrow life haha. It’s time for you to know who inspires me lately.

So, as you know a year ago, I began to fall in love with Korea again. Now, I think I love the Korean’s culture even more than 8 years ago. If Running Man opens the gate for me to the Korean’s variety show, then Bigbang opens the door for me to the Korean pop.

I am absolutely aware that not a lot of people are familiar with this culture. Of course, they know that Korea is hyping nowadays, but they don’t fully understand what this is. They just know a bunch of too good looking people dancing while singing. Also, the fact that most Korean did the plastic surgery is like the big thing for them to bring this wave down.

For me, they are more than just that.  

Yes, people. You may judge them anything you want, but please, at least learn how to respect human being. Somebody ever asked me while I was listening to kpop songs in a meeting room. He said, “Emang kamu ngerti artinya apa?” I just smiled. That person’s English skill does not even better than I am, and that person listens to western song a lot! So, is it wrong if I listen to Kpop even when I don’t know what they say? I don’t think so.

Well, I’m not going to ask you to like them too. I just want you to respect them as a human being too. You don’t have to like them if you don’t want to.

So, let me begin my story.

You know I love TOP Oppa so much. I just think that he is the most talented person I’ve ever seen! However, it changes after I know Mino Oppa. It does not mean that I stop liking Top though, but I just find another person whom I like.  His full name is Song Min Ho. He is also a rapper in his boyband, and he is funny, plus his drawing skill is amazing! However, he’s a bit… idk the word which could express it ….umm…not very smart at math and literature I guess… can we say it dumb? But, I like him still.

For those who see this Korean wave negatively, I think you need some more research before you judge them. Idk about other nation, but most people at my country consider them too good looking. Their face is not real because of the plastic surgery they had and their talent are also fake. Believe it or not, I used to think the same way. However, when I went to literature major, I was taught to be respectful to the world's differences. I began to understand that we are not living alone. We (our nation) are just a part of this world which has various cultures, people, and languages! That is the first lesson you need to understand.

The second one, you need to understand their culture first. You can’t judge them based on the culture that you live in because you both are living on different nation and that is the fact you can’t deny. In Korea, looks does matter. SM has done in a while ago by recruiting their idols in front of school and searching for those who have good looks! Right now, YG entertainment does it too! You can watch it at their newest survival program. They state it very clearly that they are looking for the look first and after that the talent. For us, it’s unusual and maybe unfair because people can’t take us for what we are, but them, it’s a different story. They need to live.

Also, it is not an instant phase for them to be an idol. They trained for years! If you wanna know what kind of training they had, just watch YG treasure ep 1. You’ll know how hard it is for them to survive in that industry. That is why, for someone like me who know how hard they struggle, it hurts me a lot when people say that all they can do just having a good looking face and the ability to dance while lip-syncing. It’s  really way more than that.

It is happened to Mino too. People may see him as a rapper on Winner, but before that title he had passed lots of struggle. He trained years to be a BlockB member, but I don’t know why, he backed up and debuted as a member of BoM. I just knew that he lived in an officetel while being a trainee for BlockB with P.O (NJTTW5 Trivia). If you guys know his song “Fear” you’d also know that his boyband BoM somewhat flopped and he was saved by YG (thank god YG saw his talent).  However, after signed with YG, he had to be on another survival. Most of you who love Mino would already know what the title of this program. They have to beat their junior which is very sad for me to watch. Until now, I never watch the last episode of WIN because I can’t stand them crying for each other. Really, it’s cruel :”

That is not the end of course. After his boyband win, two years later, one of them left. I was not there while it happened. I didn’t even know Bigbang late alone them that time. However, it must be hard for the fans who are with them from the start :” So yes, I am very mad if you tried to bring them down by your foolish statement.

I’m not saying all these idols are GOD that has to be worshipped! They are human just like we are. That’s why you need to respect them! They also can do something wrong, something that we don’t like. Nevertheless, it can’t be the reason of spreading so much hatred on them.

I just don’t understand with all of you who protest our way on supporting them like buying all the albums, merches, even stream their mv on youtube. We did it legally, with our own money. Isn’t it better than downloading it using idm and watch it over and over? Isn’t wrong for us to respect their works by buying their albums? They worked so hard for it, and we enjoy their works, then why do all of you need to fuss about it?

Please learn how to respect other’s culture, other’s work, and other’s differences. Just because you don’t like them, does not mean you could hate them. The world would be in the better place if we could do this and I know we could.

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Gumgummesso

This is written on 27 June 2018. However, I just have the willingness to post it right now.

Hello, oremaniya, which means, long time no see!

Yes. I am learning some Korean. Why? Yeah. Because I want to know what they say tak I mean, right when I listen to their music. It is never a waste of time to learn anew language, is it? Well, I know my English is not even an expert, but why do you have to be an expert at something to learn new things? I guess, if you want to do it, then do it. 

Anyway, that is not what I want to write about. Well, I want to write about my doubt about what I should do in the future.

As you see, I just graduated from my university about a month ago. Of course, I am so happy to be graduated as soon as I could, but I also don’t know what to do next. I mean, I know exactly what I want. I really do. However, society wants a different thing. My family would surely against my idea. I am in the middle of deciding which one is the best for me. 

This is my life. This is my time. I could do whatever I want to do. That is what my heart says. However, my head thinks the other way. I have my parents. I need to do anything to pay them back for whatever they have already given me. I cannot do just what I want to do. That is not right. What should I do?

Do you know what I want to do the most?

Writing.

However, I always think, if I choose this path, if I really do write to support myself, is it going to be easy? Is it the right thing?  You know Asian parents. They don’t expect you to be an artist (singer, writer, etc) that kind of job are underrated for them. They want you to be a civil servant who will get paid every month.

If I choose that path, will I survive? Will I able to support my parents too?

I can’t lie that I love music, books, and movies so much. It is not just a hobby. However, when I told them that I wanna write a scenario, I wanna create a very great drama than all of the other drama in the national tv, silence is all I get as the response. They don’t think it’s possible. They think that it is just a dream. Is it really just a dream?

And this is what annoys me the most. I just wonder why people ask the same thing every time I tell them about my dream. They will always say, “Then when will you get married? You have to think about your future children.” I can’t believe it! Is it really a sin to not have an interest to marry at my age? I just don’t have the time to think WHEN I WILL GET MARRIED WHEN I CAN’T EVEN TAKE CARE OF MY OWNSELF JUST RIGHT NOW!

Well, those are my worries. I know there are lots of questions I ask. Gumgummeso. By the way, I already know how to read and write Hangeul, but I can’t type it because it needs another app to type. That is why I use the Romanized version hehe. See you another time. Hope you do great even better than I am :)

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