[A Poem] There is nothing good in running away

None does well in running away

Even the perfect place comes to find you, still nay

Ain’t no way you could forget the memories

It will come around like the eclipse

Hiding won’t make you gold

Hiding won’t make you bold

In the end, the memories come around as it like;

A thunder in the middle of the heavy rain

And it comes around again;

Shining right in front of you too bright

Lying won’t make it any better

Lying to yourself, or even to the Almighty

Now you know everyone does know sooner or later

The door won’t close, baby

Not even when you hide, or lie

So why don’t you close the door why

Cause you yourself know that;

It won’t be closed no matter what

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FRECKLES

Mom always tells me that it is okay to be different, but apparently, the world says the opposite. From what I have experienced, the world expects conformity. And that’s when I think that my mom is a total liar. Oh, you must think that I am an ungrateful child, but keep the judgment to yourself until you have so many freckles on your face and your friends start to call you an alien because you are different!

                “Lizzie! Dinner’s ready! Come on down, Honey.”

             Got to go right now. Dinner’s ready. Write letter.

                I closed my book and went straight downstairs.  When I got to the kitchen, I saw her smile and I smiled back. I took the chair and eat. There was a  silence between us. It’s just me and my mom. Father? Never heard of him.

                I heard mom cleared her throat and said, “How’s your day, Liz?”

                “Awful.”

                “What happened?”

                “Mom, can we talk about something else, please?”

I looked at my watch. It’s already 6.45 am. I went upstairs and knocked the door.

 “Lizzie, honey, what are you doing? We’ll be late. Come on!” I said nicely to her.

I heard the steps. She opened the door and said, “Mom, is it okay to skip the class today?”

I took a deep breath, squatted in front of her, patted her hair and said, “Why? What happen? Are you sick?”

“No. I just don’t want to go to school.”

“Is it about your friends again? They called you freak again? Honey, what did I always say? You are unique, and being unique is good. To be different is a good thing. You don’t need to mind what they say. You have to be confident, Lizzie.”

                She scrolled her eyes, took her bag and put on her shoes. I walked her down to school because our home was only a couple of blocks from the school. We usually hold hands and sing all the way to school, but not today. She shut her mouth and so did I.

                When we reached the school, I told her to come in and be a good girl. I gave her lunch box and hugged her. She kept looking down the road and went straight in.

I sat at the back corner of the class. I looked down so I won’t see their face. They looked at me as I am a joke, as whole my body is something to be laughed at, especially my face. I didn’t understand why they would not stop picking at me. I never did anything bad to them, but why were they always do the opposite? Oh crap! I heard steps. Someone’s approaching me. Oh, please, please, God.

“Hey, what is that on your face? Oh! Disgusting! What are you?” he laughed at me.

“Leave me alone!”

“Oh, the alien is angry! Guys, alien can get angry! Watch out!” now the whole class laughed at me.

I snapped and yelled, “What is it with you people? What is your problem?”

“Our problem is that you are ugly! You’re the ugliest person I’ve ever seen!” still they laughed at me. I ran outside the class. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I hid in the toilet for a whole day of school. When the bell rang, I ran straight home. I slammed the door, I went upstairs, locked the door, and I cried so hard. What am I supposed to do? Should I hate my own self because I am ugly? Did I deserve this?

I was knitting a scarf when I heard somebody slammed the door. My little girl rushed into her room, slammed the door again and started to cry. That sound made my heart torn apart. What now? What else can I do?

“Sweetheart, what happened? Are you okay?” I said after I knocked the door.

“Just leave me alone, Mom!” I heard she yelled at me.

“No, Honey. Open the door, please. You can talk to me.”

“They called me ugly, Mom. They told me that I’m the ugliest person alive!!!” my tears dropped when I heard that. How could they say such a cruel thing to her?

“No, you’re not, Lizzie. Lizzie, listen to me. You are not ugly. Those freckles are gifted. You are unique, Honey. It makes you who you are. You can’t be ashamed of what you have.”

“You don’t understand, Mom! You don’t feel what I feel. You’re not there! You will say different things to me when you have this kind of disgusting freckles with no friend backing you up at school, with those people judging by what you are!! You lied to me, Mom! You said that it is okay to be different, then why are they always mocking me?!”

I was quiet for a moment. So, that was what my daughter thought about me. I could not say another word to her. I did not know what to say. I went to my room instead. This was my fault. If only she had a figure of a father to make her strong, this would not happen.

When I opened my eyes, the sun was already up. My head hurts. My eyes were swollen as big as golf balls. I did not remember when I fell asleep last night. The only thing I could remember was the pain. It made me want to go back to sleep again because that was the time when I could not feel anything. That was the time where everything was being forgotten.

I heard Mom knocked the door, but I froze. I kept laying at my bedroom, still unwilling to hear another word from her.

“I know you’re mad at me, Lizzie. I am sorry. Mom just wants to talk to you. Please open the door.”

                I looked at the door for a minute thinking what I should say to her. After deciding what I want to say, I walked to the door and opened it. I said, “It’s okay, Mom. It’s not your fault. I know I am unique…...” I stopped talking. I did not know what to say. After such a long pause, I finally said, “Mom….what….”

                She smiled at me. Her eyes were swollen too. I bet she cried all night just like I did. She squatted and then said, “I am sorry, Lizzie. I know I am not a good mom. I just say what I am supposed to say. I am not doing what I am supposed to do. Therefore, I am so sorry, Lizzie. Mom is very sorry.”

                “What did you do to your face, Mom?” I asked. She drew so many freckles on her face. She made it just like mine.

                “From now on, you don’t get to feel that you’re doing this alone. We… will get through this, Sweetheart. If you think that these freckles are punishment, then I shall be with you having these things together. But you should know that these are not ugly things. No matter what hateful things people said about your face, you should know that this makes you… you. You don’t have to be afraid anymore because I want you to know that I will always be here with you. You have me, and you can tell everything to me. I will be your mom, your best friend, and even your father. I will be all the things that you want. You just have to tell me.”

                I hugged her so tight. I did not know how long we hugged each other. I cried and then I said that I was sorry for being so ungrateful. We went to school together. Still, my freckles would not go away, but I didn’t care anymore. I realized that people have their own flaws, and that did not make you less worth in this world. I remember my mom saying, “There is no such thing as perfection. The idea of perfection is in people’s mind. They may expect you to be somebody they want, but that does not mean that you have to be what they want.”

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Growing Apart?

“When people grow up, sometimes, they grow apart.” That sentence, that group of words, that is a reality. Apparently, the quote I read after watching the most heartbreaking yet relieving movie (500) Days of Summer is giving me lessons on how to let go of someone.

I hate the fact that maintaining a relationship is frustratingly hard. You want to be who you are, yet you have to tolerate other people, and when you are tolerating other people, there is a big chance that you cannot be you.

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it is because I am not smart enough to know how to be someone else in front of other people. Yes, you can call me stubborn, selfish, mean whatsoever you want to say, I do not give a fuck. I just don’t know what to do with you. And that makes me think that maybe growing apart is our destiny.

I wish I could stop this bullshit. Pretending. I hate that thing. I hate that I have to act like I am okay with you, even though I am not. I hate faking a smile even when I do not want to give a smile to you. I am what I am. I hate what I hate. I love what I love. I believe what I believe in. Well, surprisingly, that is not how it works, is it?

Human is a social creature. They cannot live themselves. They live together beside the fact that everybody is different. That is when the concept of tolerating each other remains the biggest thing to learn in a society. People are compromising to one another, and that maybe makes me broken hearted. Because sometimes, when I start to compromise, people won’t do the same thing as I did. And that’s when I think that maybe, growing apart is the key.

I am not asking you to go. I am asking you to speak, so we could start tolerating each other. Speak, so we could compromise on what we want to maintain this relationship. Stop pretending because I am starting not to pretend that everything is okay. Speak, so we could know whether we should grow apart or grow together.

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Hati-hati penipu jahat! Beware, sick fuck is everywhere!

A stranger phoned me, the first thing he said “I had an accident.” And I said, “who is this?” he said, “I had an accident.” I said again, “who is this?” he replied “ini mas.” My heart crushed. I could not think clearly. I have three brothers and I did not know which one got an accident. Then another person took the phone, acting like a cop and said that my brother hit a high school student with his motorcycle. The student died in that accident. My brother gave me my phone number to be the one who guarantee him. He asked whether the police should take him to jail or I can do him favor by giving him some credit (pulsa) for three people. I could not think. Of course, if it was right, I did not want my brother to do such a cruel think. Then, I asked the person to give the phone to my brother. And he said, acting like he’s been hurt. “Please, just do it. I’ll give your money back.” And I think, it must be some sick fuck trying to mess me up. I was silent for a while. I think. Who’s get the accident? It obviously is just someone trying to mess me up. Then I remember than my twin (another brother) has driven me to my “kos”, it might be him who got the accident. And I buy that bullshit. The person was still on the phone and said “We don’t have much time. You should give us the credit just for the guarantee and we’ll process that up. The pain is killing him right now.” And I asked, one more time, to talk to him. and he said “hallo, lambeku di jahit iki.” And that’s it. I ran to buy 50.000 rupiahs of credit. And after that, I said to the one who was still in the phone. “I already sent you the credit. Now what?”  he said, “Okay, I’ll take your brother to you.” I am still assuming that my brother who’s get the accident is  my second brother in Jakarta. And I’m like. “WHAT THE HELL? I’m IN JOGJAKARTA RIGHT NOW. MY BROTHER IS IN JAKARTA? ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME?” then I realized that man is really messing with me (orang itu menipu saya)

Hati-hati ya dengan modus yang seperti ini. Tadi saya mengirimkan pulsa 50rb karena pikir saya, “ah tidak apa-apalah kalau ini penipuan, toh hanya 50rb. Dan kalau ini benar, saya bisa membantu kembaran saya.” Cuman yang saya sesalkan adalah penipu itu mengatasnamakan kakak saya yang membuat saya panic karena saya memang habis diantar kakak saya ke jogja. To be honest, I am sad. I feel like somebody took something from me. I cried a lot. It’s my family, and if that really happen, oh I can’t even imagine. It was awful. Very awful. It’s not about the money, but the trauma, that feeling of losing someone. Orang mungkin bisa bilang, “yaelah dimintain pulsa 50rb sama polisi kok percaya-percaya aja.” Masalahnya, ketika apapun yang berhubungan dengan orang yang kau sayangi, kecil atau besar kau pasti akan rela melepasnya.

Ini nomor yang menipu saya 081269814539 dan 081370435012.

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You gotta read this! Mengapa bubur tidak bisa kembali menjadi nasi.

                Sudah berapa kali aku memulai paragraf ini dan menghapusnya kembali. Tak terhitung jumlahnya. Sudah berapa kali aku mencoba jujur lewat tulisan ini namun aku mengurungkannya. Sudahlah. Aku lelah membahas ini. Aku sedih memikirkan kata demi kata yang harus kurangkai sedemikian rupa hanya untuk menjadi seseorang yang bukan aku. Kau tahu? Bukanlah pujian yang menjadikanmu besar, melainkan dedikasi.

                Ketika aku membaca tulisan-tulisanku sebelumnya, ada satu kalimat yang menancap sampai benakku sekarang. Dalam salah satu tulisan itu aku berkata, “Allah punya ratusan cara membuatku jatuh, tapi ingat, Allah punya jutaan cara membuatku bangkit kembali.”

                Jika kamu mengingat dan mengerti hari dimana semua perkataanmu dibantahkan, ingatlah itu semua karena Allah. Jika kamu tahu dan benar-benar mengerti, maka memohonlah ampun padaNya. Noda yang telah kau cipratkan itu memang tidak akan pernah bersih, apalagi dimatamu. Jadi buat apa aku membeli berbagai macam pembersih hanya untuk menjadikannya putih kembali? Toh dimatamu aku tak akan pernah bersih.

                Jadi mulai sekarang, yang terjadi biarlah sudah terjadi. Aku tidak akan menambahkan apapun dalam cerita itu. Aku harap kau juga melakukan hal yang sama. Kalau memang perlu kau tutup, tutuplah karena aku juga sudah menutupnya. Jangan pernah pertanyakan sapa dan tawa yang seadanya karena kau tahu itu semua hanyalah formalitas semata. Karena bagiku sudahlah, itu sudah lalu.

                Biarlah aku hitam dan kau putih, atau, jika kau tidak setuju dengan pernyataan itu, biarlah kita sama-sama abu-abu. Sudah cukup semua hal ini, perkataanmupun juga sudah terbantahkan, entah kau sadari atau tidak. Jadi sudahlah. Allah Maha Tahu dan akupun hanya meminta kita semua untuk diam. Sekali lagi, jangan pernah pertanyakan sapa dan tawaku yang seadanya karena engkau sudah tahu mengapa bubur itu tidak bisa kembali menjadi nasi. Sapa dan tawaku itu adalah bagian dari bubur ayam yang menjadikannya enak untuk disantap, seadanya saja. Hadapi saja tanpa mempertanyakan hal yang sudah jelas jawabannya. Hadapi saja dengan rasa ikhlas dan tahu bahwa ketika warna hitam dan putih itu dicampur, mereka tidak akan bisa kembali seperti semula.

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The Qualities of a Good Friend

                Friendship can be hurting that is why you need some qualities of a good friend.  There are at least three qualities of a good friend. First, your friend is not afraid of telling that you are wrong when you are wrong. Second, your friend has a time for you even for just an hour. The third is that your friend may not put you as the first priority, but he/she still considers you as an important person.

                A friend can do something wrong even with their own friend. It is a friend’s duty to tell their own friend when they are doing something wrong. When your friend tried to tell you something, you must not get offended to what your friend has said. A good friend is not afraid of telling that you are wrong when you are wrong.

                Another quality of a good friend is that he/she no matter what has a time for you even just for an hour. Quality time between friends is very important. A friendship is never created without a communication. No matter how busy you are, you should spend your time with your friends because that is the thing that makes friendship different from any other relationship. Keeping your friends close is one of the efforts which you should do when you want to prove that you are a good friend.

                A friend may not put you as his/her first priority, but he/she still considers you as an important person that is the third qualities of a good friend. Sometimes, a friend may feel like he/she is abandoned with their own friend. That is the clue when your friend starts to feel that they are not important. You can start making the relationship better by asking him/her out and start to share stories to each other. If you are really considering your friend, no matter how busy you are, you will find a way to make up your relationship. 

                Those are the three qualities of a good friend. A good friend is created. We need to be honest to our friend and we need to always be there for our friend. However, if your schedule is very impossible to have a quality time with your friend, considering your friend as an important person will sure find you a way to solve the problem.

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